I have a broken heart. I have an enormous amount of pain, loss and anger that I carry with me everyday for the past 3+ years. There is no pain that I have felt greater than watching my husband date another girl while I was pregnant with our son. Wait, there was way worse pain when I actually moved out and started “sharing” my 6 month old son with his dad. I lost my son, I lost 1/2 of a child that I carried for 9 months in my belly. I now and will forever deal with that loss. I know Max is right here and I can hug and kiss him every other weekend and on Wed and Thurs evenings but it is not what I envisioned growing up thinking of one day when I would have a family and a baby, a baby to hold and kiss and love every single day. I keep thinking to myself now that maybe the reason it is so painful sometimes is all of those years of anticipating wanting to be a mom then actually being a mom to then have it ripped away is what I lost. I get so angry sometimes but what can I do with that anger and pain? How can I positively put that to good use? I can workout to release some of the stress and anger I feel (and believe me I do and that is what has saved me)….I can look at the glass half full instead of half empty. But the reality is the glass is half empty. I know that no good can come from dwelling on what I thought it would be like when I got married and had a baby. That isn’t what happened. I try so hard every second of every day to not let the anger, pain and loss get the best of me. I love Max that much more. I give him 55 kisses at night instead of 25 and 42 hugs instead of 12. He is getting mommy love overload. I have no control over this situation. What’s done is done and the reality is I have a son who is the best thing my world could have ever asked for and I have him half of the time. He comes and he goes. He asks who is picking me up today and whose house are my belongings at? Mommy’s house or daddy’s house? Breaks my heart, as if he doesn’t have a house….one place to call his own. The pain does not stop ever. Then more decisions, more pain, more questions on what should I do so that I don’t further cause more pain in either my life or his. How do I make sure he is OK when he isn’t with me? As his mom how do I just drop him off and let it all go until next time? What is right and what is wrong? I believe what is right for Max is to have a very unselfish mom and to always put him first. I hope in the end this will be what he learns from me: to love and respect people and be very unselfish, to care what he does to others, to make a commitment and stand by it, be able to look at any situation half full and make the best of every moment. I really hope that all of the anger, loss and pain that has settled in my heart will somehow be put to good use and reflected only by light onto him. I know everything happens for a reason and we are who we are because of our experiences but this is a really painful one and one that I know has made me a better person. I think the reason I am thinking about this so much now is that we are about to move out and start a new wonderful chapter in our lives. Out, finally out from this place that we have lived in for the past 3 years-the place we moved to after all of that drama and trauma. Although the feeling of loss will always be with me I will not let it stop me from being awesome. I will also not pretend though as if it doesn’t exist and as if it doesn’t affect me. It is ok to let it out sometimes. It is ok to talk about pain, anger and loss because they are real and they are part of you….part of you but not the best of you.