Feeling quite blessed over here nowadays. I’m having a baby! 19 weeks tomorrow and I wanted to write about this experience on my blog since I have shared so much other personal life experiences on here. It is time for my pregnancy blog. The baby has gone from a tiny poppy seed to now the size of a mango, or a zesty zucchini or a throwback to the size of Nintendo game boy (says a nifty chart I found on Pinterest). So about 6 inches long and growing rapidly, constantly doubling in size! It’s truly a miracle what happens inside a woman’s body when they are pregnant. I realize it more and more with this pregnancy than I ever did with Max. My first pregnancy was basically 9 years ago. I was 28 when pregnant with him. I am 37 now. I feel in most ways younger and healthier than I did then. I wasn’t a very good eater or exerciser back then. I have had my moments, trust me, tired, emotional & moody but overall I feel great. I’m not scared and I am certainly not worried about all of those tiny details you do with your first. I am not even nervous about birth. Those are the things that are different. I am much more aware now that I have been through it I know it will just unfold and it will happen as God intends it to. And it will be completely amazing in every way.
I am so glad that I found meditation right around the time I got pregnant actually. Just a few weeks before getting pregnant is when I started and I swear it helped me relax and get pregnant. It helped me through that 1st trimester when you are constantly worrying that the pregnancy will hold on and get through. In times of Max not sleeping through the night (not being able to figure out why and wanting to help him) when I desperately needed to sleep because I was so tired in early pregnancy. Not being able to go back with him for an x-ray or an MRI for his leg (once we figured out why) because of scans like that & babies in the belly don’t mix. Of course, all of this unfolding while I was still “secretly pregnant”. The point of this is that it helped me separate from Max and let him do these things on his own. Which is huge for us. I tend to baby him, hold on tight for dear life because I only see him 50% of the time. But this baby coming and him being older is all going to aid in me trusting him & letting go just a little. Funny how the timing of things unfold when you believe, like I do, in signs that the universe sends you exactly what you need when you need it. Maybe I need an 8-year difference in my kids? I don’t know but that is what is happening because that is how my life is unfolding and I trust that it’s just right. Perfect timing for me and my family.
I mean this kid is the definition of pure happiness. I learn so much from him! Sure, he gets sad or bothered from time to time but he is human. It’s part of the human experience to feel. Full leg cast in June-summertime-and he handled it amazingly. It has been such a joy to watch him react to me being pregnant. Shock and denial at first to naming the baby and putting his head to my belly and saying he can hear him or her in there and he can’t wait to teach the baby to be “awesome and handsome” just like him. It’s really that simple.
Recently, my anxiety was at an all time high and I finally just broke. I was taking everything so seriously. Everything was so important to me. The smallest and the biggest things. I realized that I couldn’t keep going like this if I was going to be a great mom and wife. My blood pressure was rising. Things were happening around me that were out of my control and I wanted to control them so badly. I finally gave myself permission to stop caring essentially. It was a total relief and I can’t even explain how much of a weight has lifted. Trust me, I still care a lot about all of the things but at the rate I was going it was only leading to total devastation and I knew deep down I didn’t want that. So, one day, I told myself enough. And that was that. When other people tell you to relax and tell you don’t sweat the small stuff (*my mom since I was probably 16*) it’s just not the same. You have to hit the bottom and realize yourself how much useless pain and unhappiness you are causing yourself. Give it up. Come to the other side. It’s so chill here & everything is still okay.
I have been able to really let go of a lot of expectations and ideas on what life should be during these past 4 or 5 months. Going to therapy since November, not really regularly, but just once or twice a month has helped. I have learned so many things from Dr. E and have really been able to settle a lot of turmoil within myself as a result. So much of life is uncontrollable. Not just mine. Everyone has similar issues, worse issues. It’s how you deal daily that is going to make or break you for the amazing life that you deserve. That you deserved from the second you were born. All of us. All of us are so worthy from day one. Know that.
Deserve-what a word. I spent so much time thinking I didn’t deserve this baby. That I couldn’t or shouldn’t. My life is too messed up. How will I explain to this child that their brother isn’t here half the time? Explain to Max that this child gets to stay but he doesn’t. That their brother has a different dad. I just couldn’t even go there. I didn’t deserve it. I would only put pain and hardship on yet another human. I was unraveling and it wasn’t pretty. But then I realized that was all total BS (with the help of meditation & my therapist, family and friends). What matters to kids and to adults is happiness. Nothing else, not their so-called circumstances. Can you give them food, shelter and most of all LOVE? Then check mark, if this is something you want then you should do it. The rest truly doesn’t matter. It is not good or bad. It is nothing actually. Expectations are happiness killers and I no longer think that way. It was killing me. I finally got the courage to decide with Tim that this was something we really wanted so we started trying. When I took the test and saw the word “pregnant” all of those thoughts went away. I knew it was okay and it was going to be okay forever. We are about to bring more LOVE into this world and that cannot possibly be bad for anyone. Everything has felt aligned since then. The more I believe it the more it is true.
Baby C is coming and this is going to be an awesome new chapter for all of us and we are so excited! I am present. I am here living and enjoying this. I am not worried about the past or the future and it feels really good. Now, is the baby a boy or is the baby a girl? We will find out this Sunday with some surprise cupcakes with my parents. I am team healthy baby all the way but my intuition tells me there is a classic romantic boho chic, food & wellness loving little girl in there planning her outfits already 😉